My Monster reviews

PLEASE READ!!! here are the rules for the monster rankings:

1. the monsters shall be graded on a 1-10 scale. 5 should be treated like water -- it is the most normal and average a drink can be in terms of flavor. if something is below 5, i'd rather have water. if something is above 5, i'd have it instead of water.
2. the monsters will be listed roughly in the order i tried them.
3. the rankings are subjective and completely up to me. i usually grade with a few factors in mind, including flavor, carbonation, and overall satisfaction after drinking. but, these factors are not strict. the physical appearance of the can will not play into the ranking.
4. in the event that i die due to drinking too many monsters, i hereby bequeath to you, the reader, the power to finish this ranking for yourself. do what i wasn't strong enough to do.

Classic Monster: 7/10

the original. this monster started it all. a legend in the energy drink world. one might even call it a monster.

i think this monster is pretty good! it was my first monster, and it is a strong basis on which to grade other monsters.

the flavor is acidic but not overpowering. it's held back by the fact that it is overly sweet, but it is not sweet to the point of sickening the consumer. at least not to me. the classic monster could be ranked higher if it was a little less sugary! the acidity is tuned to be just right, so the sourness isn't overwhelming even to a first time consumer, but still satisfying to a monster fanatic. a little salty, but in a way that doesn't feel offensive.

as a holistic experience, this monster is satisfying to start and satisfying once you've finished. no fireworks or big bursts of flavor, just a consistent, pleasant, and somewhat exciting ride.

the thing holding the classic monster back is exactly what makes it so important: it's basic. there's nothing remarkable about this monster. it doesn't do anything wrong, and it does a whole lot right, but it doesn't do anything outstanding. higher rankings will certainly go to monsters that offer more excitement, or at least something a bit more special.

Monster Zero Ultra, AKA "The White Monster": 8.5/10

fresh. the monster of the future, found so far in monster's past. the monster we all aspire to be.

the white monster is everything a good monster should try to be. it is refreshing, balanced, and deeply satisfying. it has a relaxed, easy amount of sweetness. as a symptom of its citrusy flavor, it is more acidic than the classic monster. it's not offensive, though, as an equally sweet flavor and lighter carbonation lets everything resonate and balance nicely. it feels much lighter than the classic monster, which feels a bit heavy. it is less salty than the classic monster.

picking up a white monster feels like starting a jog on a beautifully sunny but refreshingly cool day. finishing a white monster feels like stepping out of a cold shower -- like you've gotten the worst parts of the day behind you, and you're ready to do anything. holistically, it is an envigorating experience, but it doesn't quite feel magical. still, it's everything you want it to be all the way through.

the white monster is comparatively amazing, and is only surpassed by a single digit amount of other monsters. but, it's not perfect. while i only noticed after i had a few, it should be noted that the lack of a heavy, sugary flavor makes some sips taste overly salty. this is because once you're deep into the can, you grow used to the citrus flavor's acidity and the other flavors shine through much more. the first few sips can also be a bit overwhelming in both the diversity and amount of flavor to a first time consumer.

those flaws are minor, though. this is an outstanding monster in almost every area.